The Inflatable Urd FAQ
8 December 1995
compiled by Hanna Goodbar
Welcome to the Inflatable Urd FAQ, the premiere source for the original Inflatable Urd saga as presented by Schmitty-sama!!
This FAQ is in response to those users who missed the original thread about the (mis)adventures of the Inflatable Urd, Peorth, and Schmitty-sama. Finally, collected into one handy volume!
Dates and incriminating names have been omitted, and the sigs have been edited for spelling. All notes are in brackets . The antics of Inflatable Urd and company are indented. The various quotes have been rearranged to make some sense, but since these were sig lines, continuity may, uh, dissipate.
Thanks to Michael Parker Smith (Schmitty-sama) <KittyGirls@aol.com> for creating the Inflatable Urd idea; Fujishima Kosuke for the original Urd; various members of the Aa! Megamisama mailing list for keeping the project going as long as it did (through their messages).
Of course, the Aa! Megamisama! characters were created and copyrighted by Fujishima Kosuke.
0. Table of Contents
1.1. How did the Inflatable Urd begin?
1.2. Is the Inflatable Urd a garage kit?
1.3. How real is the Inflatable Urd?
1.4. Then someone had to ask: Would you care to elaborate on this?
1.5. What else should I know about the Inflatable Urd?
1.6. Shameless endorsement
2. The Adventures of Inflatable Urd
2.1. Before Inflatable Urd arrived, Schmitty-sama had Peorth
2.2. After Inflatable Urd arrived, Schmitty-sama’s life was changed forever
2.3. Secrets, anime, and Sailor Moon
2.4. Inflatable Urd learns to drive!?!
2.5. Sadly, things must end…
3. Other Inflatable Urd related items
3.1. Aa! The real Urd calls!
3.3. A night out
3.4. Peorth and cabin fever
3.5. The meaning of “idpispopd”?
4. Afterword by Schmitty-sama
1.1. [How did the Inflatable Urd begin?]
The Inflatable Urd was introduced on 12 November 1995 as a parody of life-sized Goddess garage kits. The garage kit thread was going way out of hand, and here, regarding the Inflatable Urd:
How about an Inflatable Urd of your very own. She’ll keep you breathless for a long time to come. Plus, she’s wired for pillow talk!!!! Would any of you be interested in obtaining one of these? You get your choice of Inflatable Urd, or a Life-Size Garage Kit. Choose quickly lad!! They’re going like hotcakes!!! ((Inflatable Peorth is all sold out, sorry)) No rainchecks. Thank you for shopping at Goddess Mart. It’s worlds of Fun!!
1.2. [Is the Inflatable Urd a garage kit?]
Well, no, inflatable means inflatable and garage kit means garage kit, but let Schmitty clarify:
Dame! Dame! Ikenai!!! An inflatable Urd is NOT a giant garage kit!! You don’t keep her in your room as a giant garage kit…. I mean… you should get out more often… maybe I can get you one that’s wired for pillow talk…sheesh.!
1.3. [How real is the Inflatable Urd?]
It’s the real deal! Lifesize and everything!! ((and boy do I mean everything! YOWZA!!!!)) Plus, it floats!!! Honto! Honto!
1.4. [Then someone had to ask: Would you care to elaborate on this?]
Well, it’s like this. You lovingly take your Inflatable Urd down off the shelf. Then you HUFF and you PUFF and ((You might also want to consider using a bicycle pump or some other pnuematic device)) you HUFF and you PUFF some more. And pretty soon, VOILA!!! You have a life-size Inflatable Urd to play with and adore. ((Plus, she FLOATS)).
And one other tip from ol’ Schmitty here. You might not want to take the Inflatable Urd that’s wired for pillow talk into the bathtub with you. You might be very shocked by what she has to say.
For Instructions on how to use Inflatable Urd, e.mail me 35 cents.
1.5. [What else should I know about the Inflatable Urd?]
It will do everything except scrub your back. Satisfaction guarnteed!
Inflatable Urd is wired for sound and ready to ride.
Boys will be boys, and Inflatable Urds will be…well…none of yer damn business!!!
What a blessing to us all it is that Inflatable Urd can’t drown, ne?
Inflatable Urd’s got a bit sloppy kiss for ya! And trust me, she’s quite a kisser!
Three words sum up my life with Peorth and Inflatable Urd: grace, courage, and stamina.
1.6. [Shameless endorsement]
The Inflatable Urd has been (a)rousingly endorsed by the world’s oldest living anime fan, Dr. Zyx W. Vuts of Poniatowski, Wisconsin.
2. The Adventures of Inflatable Urd
[Oh, just so you know, the goddess Peorth lives with Schmitty-sama, also. (Damn, not only a real-life goddess, but an inflatable one, too!!!)]
2.1. [Before Inflatable Urd arrived, Schmitty-sama had Peorth]
I embrace Peorth. And she embraces me, forsaking all others.
Plug and Play are Peorth’s favorite words these days…
Peorth is happy now. And so am I.
Peorth has me occupied at the moment, so I can’t come up with any clever thoughts.
Sorry Peorth, not tonight. I’ve been reading SEXUAL POLITICS by Kate Millett and I have a headache. Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder why I just love it when Peorth talks in her sleep. “Say cheese,” Peorth said. “What kind?” I asked, as she snapped the picture.
2.2. [After Inflatable Urd arrived, Schmitty-sama’s life was changed forever]
“What are you huffing and puffing about?” Peorth asked, in that voice all men dread to hear…
Inflatable Urd finally realized she was hopelessly in love with me when she gazed at me longlingly through those funny looking blue and red glasses that Peorth gave her.
Peorth is jealous of my Inflatable Urd.
Peorth is smiling. She just figured out how to let the air out of Inflatable Urd.
Now, Peorth is spending more time with Inflatable Urd, and I’m jealous…!!
Now, Peorth & Inflatable Urd are fighting over me.
Now, Inflatable Urd is jealous of Peorth…
Peorth and Inflatable Urd went shopping today. They brought home a life-size Schmitty-sama garage kit.
Peorth and Inflatable Urd on the prowl together is one thing, but heaven help us if Urd and Inflatable Urd ever have a girl’s night out…!
It’s vaguely disturbing to me, but, BOTH Peorth and Inflatable Urd have started to call me Towel Boy…!!!
Peorth and Inflatable Urd are fixing me my suppser. And look! Here comes the fire department! Those guys sure appreciate good home cooking, don’t they!
2.3. [Secrets, other anime, and Sailor Moon]
Now, my secret fondness for Belldandy is making Peorth and Inflatable Urd jealous. It’s a good thing they can’t read my mind, for then they would know my thoughts about Skuld…
Peorth and Inflatable Urd are becoming very jealous of my interest in other anime and manga characters…
“WHAT?!” Peorth said, “You actually like St.Tail?!!! I suppose the NEXT thing you’re going to tell me is that you like Azuki-chan…!!” It was then that I actually wished I smoked cigarettes. I would feel so cool and manly right now with a cig hanging out of my mouth non-chalantly. Instead, all I could say was “Chotto! Mata yo…,” and fumble around for my boxer shorts, the ones with the little dinosaurs on them.
“If you lift up the skirt of your Sailor Jupiter doll one more time, I will pop you one,” Inflatable Urd said to me last night.
We must be thankful for small and immeasurable wonders. For now we get to hear Inflatable Urd say, “I’m very jealous of Sailor Moon because she has her own TV show, and I don’t.”
Actually, now that I think about, Urd, and perhaps, Skuld, would feel the same way. “Oh Peorth, darling,” I call out merrily, “what do you think…?”
2.4. [Inflatable Urd learns to drive!?!]
“Calm down Peorth, calm down. One of these days she WILL learn how to get the truck out of second gear, and then we WILL have something to worry about.”
When it was finally time for Inflatable Urd to take her drivers test, I insisted that she take the life-sized Schmitty-sama garage kit along for the ride. Peorth and I sat on the front porch, rocking gently in the porch swing drinking ice-tea and munching on corn bread as we watched them drive away in a cloud of gravel, dust and mayhem.
The telephone rang. The voice on the other end was so pitiful and sad that it almost made me cry. “Maiko-chan,” she said, “We ran out of gas…” “Who is it,” Peorth mumbled, awakened by the sound. I cupped the receiver, “It’s Inflatable Urd…” Peorth rolled over and went back to sleep. “So…where are you calling from…?” “The Amoco station,” she sobbed. “Start swimming,” I said. And hung up the phone.
2.5. [But finally, things must end…]
“You know, Maiko-chan,” Peorth said to me, “I wish they WOULD just let us live happily ever after!”
“Me too,” Inflatable Urd said.
“Who asked you?!! PIiiiiiiiDA!”
“Girls, please, I’m trying to contemplete this strange underwear my Sailor Jupiter doll is wearing,” the life-sized Schmitty-sama garage kit muttered wearily.
“Put that thing away and…!!!!!!”
“Would any of you girls like to hear that Bob Seger 8-track again,” I asked, thinking Jeez, this is just like a remake of BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE, as I hopped out of bed and popped in that tape. And you know what? The funny part of this is is that we all really DID live happily ever after.
[29 November 1995]
[But a little later…]
I bought Keiichi and Belldandy’s baby a mini Inflatable Urd toy. (just kidding 8-P)
3. Other Inflatable Urd related items
3.1. [Aa! The real Urd calls!]
The phone rang. It was Urd, the real Urd, the one and only. She was just calling to invite me to a picnic. Where is this picnic, I asked. Chikoku no Mori, she responded. Oh…THAT’s interesting, I replied. What should I bring…?
Maybe you and me and Peorth and Inflatable Urd can go out on a double date. Go to a nice pub. Piss a few quids down the drain. How CHARMING that would be… (Hurry up please, it’s time…)
3.3. [A night out]
Throw a six-pack on the dashboard of a 1973 Ford Pickup truck and race into the town for three frames of bowling, two pitchers of beer, and a kiss from a piece of ass yer not gonna get. That is something to laugh at. Especially if you leave Inflatable Urd in the drivers seat with the engine running and an Aa Megamisama 8-track crankin’ full blast while you’re in the Beaver Lanes bowling a 165 and slammin’ a pitcher of RED DOG.
And when you get home, Inflatable Urd says to you, “Be your own dog, Schmitty. Bow wow wow!”
3.4. [Peorth and cabin fever]
[Someone else wrote] Think of Peorth with a case of cabin fever. Brrrr…
A buddy of mine has a cabin in Northern Wisconsin. Care to join us? Inflatable Urd needs a date…
Peorth loves a good roaring fire on a cold winter’s night….
3.5. [The meaning of “idpispopd”?]
You know what? Inflatable Urd whispered “idpispopd” in her sleep last night. And all during the Green Bay Packers game today I wondered what that meant.
Both Peorth and Inflatable Urd think that they’re cuter than ANY of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. And I happen to agree with them.
[FYI: “idpispopd” is a cheat code in the computer game Doom]
4. Afterword by Schmitty-sama
[Schmitty-sama had this to say about the Inflatable Urd sigs:]
As far as life-sized inflatable goddesses go…well…I devised that little device in response to posts I was seeing about Life Size Garage Kits, which were being discussed in total earnestness. Why would that be any more acceptable than an INFLATABLE Goddess, ne? And since most of the best humour has to do with a common denominator of loneliness and suffering, I felt, why not. Boys will be desperate boys. And quite a few of you, including you, evidently, felt I was serious. But that’s OK. Sexism and Inequality are subjects worthy of discussion. And if AMG was just a freakin’ comic book, then why would this mailing list even exist, ne?
As for my writing style…well…I believe in making my writing as believable as I can. I believe in pushing the envelope as far as I can. That’s always the best tactic, though it’s not always the best strategy. And I do try be somewhat entertaining and provacative. And I think I’ve accomplished that objective if one person laughs and one person gets really pissed off.
So the whole Inflatable Urd thing was tongue in cheek from the start. But I’ve gotten some mileage from it, so I can’t complain.
Alas, this is the end of the Inflatable Urd FAQ. As quick as a flare, and as bright, our lives were touched, if however briefly, by the urethane goddess Urd!
I had tons of fun putting this together. Long live Inflatable Urd!!
If I left anything major out, don’t hesitate to bring it to my attention. Providing the actual bit would be nice, too!!
Part of the Urd series:
- The Inflatable Urd FAQ 2, 7 September, 2006
- The Continuing Saga of Inflatable Urd!!, 11 July, 2006
- The Inflatable Urd FAQ, 8 December, 1995
- The Many Shades of Urd, 16 November, 1995