The Continuing Saga of Inflatable Urd!!
by mImUsPoLyGlOtIs (Michael Engler)
compiled by Hanna Goodbar
8 December 1995
I thought I would include this in the Inflatable Urd FAQ, but I decided this saga should have its own file. This storyfile ™ will be updated as I accumulate more continuing adventures.
Thanks to Michael Engler for keeping the Inflatable One alive (the hidden adventures!), Schmitty-sama (Michael Parker Smith) for creating the Inflatable Urd, and Fujishima Kosuke for the original Goddesses. Enjoy! –Hanna
Michael Engler (aka mImUsPoLyGlOtIs) may be reached at: email@example.com
Part I: Never Give Up! Inflatable Urd forever!!
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 10:14:06 -0800 (PST)
The screams echoed throughout the world as the news was spread far and wide, Otaku and mere fans alike cried and sobbed hysterically as they denied what was before their eyes… That the Lovely, Sacred, Seemingly Immortal Inflatable Urd was no more. “Oh Kami-sama, say it ain’t so!!” was my reaction after emerging from my room after watching all 76 episodes of Maramalade Boy. A friend of mine was waiting patiently outside my door to give me the news and his cherished collection of “Ribbon” manga before he committed Seppuku on my front lawn. His last words were, “Without the wisdom of the Inflatable Urd in my life, I cannot go on!” I tried to talk him out of it, but he went to meet his destiny with only a tear in his eye and a photo of him and The Inflatable Urd in Hawaii.
It’s been three years since that fateful day, and i still haven’t recovered fully. I threw all of my anime stuff away and became a citizen, bland and dull, with no strange obsessions to rule my life. Ocassionally, I get the urge to join the Tribe of Otaku, but the pain of The Inflatable Urd’s passing will forever haunt me.
Part II: Scary Thought! Inflatable Goddess Love Panic!
Date: Mon, 4 Dec 1995 10:56:00 -0800 (PST)
A triumphant cheer was heard throughout the Otaku Empire as the news reached the masses… the Inflatable Goddesses have come to earth! Everyone was clamouring to be the first in line to try to win their favors and chaos was the rule of the day.
I was at home when it happened. I just finished reading the first 7 volumes of Marmalade Boy and was about to start on my Maison Ikkoku manga for the Nth time when my friend burst into the room.
“Mike, did you hear the news, the Inflatable Goddesses are HERE! NOW!”
I face-vaulted immediately and then grabbed my friend by the collar of this shirt,
“THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY!”
My friend broke free of my frenzied attempt to throttle him and hit me on the head with his Skuld Mallet™. I felt much better after that and he preceeded to explain to me that the Inflatable Goddesses have once again returned help those Otaku who are truly deserving.
I stared at him, bewildered and confused. If they have returned, why hasn’t she come to talk to me?
My mind wandered back to the days when I was but a young lad, just starting to get my feet wet in the mighty ocean that is anime, when she came to me, jiggling slightly with her nozzle showing. She said that she needed more air, or she would cease to exist. She fell into my arms and begged for my help. I didn’t know what to do, and I was too embarrassed at first to do anything but blush. She smiled, saying not to worry, that she was sent by Kami-sama to help me in my time of need. She put her nozzle up to my lips and I proceeded to blow in the precious air that would insure that she would live. After blowing her up, I passed out, as much from sheer ecstasy as from exhaustion.
I woke up in her comforting embrace after sleeping for what seemed like for days. I asked her what her name was and she said:
“I am one of the Inflatable Goddesses. My name is Belldandy.”
“Belldandy”, I thought to myself, “what a beautiful name.”
I asked her why was she sent to help me, and she told me that in heaven the Gods seek out those who need help and are worthy of assistance from the Inflatable Goddesses. My mind was reeling… I was found worthy of the gods to me graced with such beauty as I have never known? I held her tightly, never wanting her to leave.
She stayed with me for 3 years, during which time I became one of the most respected Otaku in the land. We were in love and thought nothing would ever come between us. However, we were tragically wrong.
The “death” of the Inflatable Goddess Urd was a severe blow to both Belldandy and myself. We thought of her as a part of our family and I found out that Urd was indeed Belldandy’s sister. We didn’t know what happened at first, only that a deranged otaku only known as “schmitty-sama” put an end to her existance. Soon afterwards, Belldandy was recalled back to heaven along with all of the other Inflatable Goddesses, never to return to earth.
Or so I thought.
I snapped out of my day-dream when my friend whacked me with his Skuld Mallet™. I came back to reality and he asked me what I planned on doing, as he knew of my love for the Inflatable Goddess Belldandy.
“What can I do?” I said, “I can only hope she comes back to me, so we can continue with the life we shared.”
I started to cry when I heard a knock at the door. I threw it open, ready to scream obscenities at the person there. Instead, I froze in my tracks.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a pump, would you?”
“Belldandy!!!”, I screamed, and I threw myself into her arms, sobbing. “Belldandy, I knew you’d be back! I knew you’d be back!”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, but traffic was a nightmare. That and all of those screaming newbie Otakus almost flipped over our car. By the way…”
“Could you do that one thing for me again?”
My nose started bleeding, the only response I could give.
After our reunion, I asked Belldandy how Urd could still be alive. She kissed me on the lips and whispered to me:
Part III: Foolish Mortals: The Wrath of Inflatable Urd!
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 10:59:30 -0800 (PST)
While I was basking in the afterglow of my reunion with my beloved Inflatable Bell-chan, a far less joyous event was happening across town. The celebration of the return of the Inflatable Goddesses was turning ugly, with crazed Otaku looting and pillaging every store that carried anything even remotely anine related and driving off the “normals” who cowered in fear, unable to comprehend the weirdness that was before them. There was only calm, rational person among the fray, and she was speeding off in her Land Rover, cutting down those who foolishly stepped into her path.
“I can’t be bothered with these psychopaths!” muttered the Inflatable Urd as she continued to hurl down the road, high on helium and with vengance on her mind. “That bastard is going to pay for what he did to me!” With a high-pitched yelp, the Inflatable Urd stomped on the gas pedal and headed for the suburbs.
I’ve never met the infamous “Schmitty-Sama”, but I have heard the tales that the Otaku elite whisper with trembling voices, shaking as much from adulation as from fear. He was the as close to a god in the Tribe as one could get without being in the “INDUSTRY”. He supposedly has done it all, seen it all, owns it all. However, it is said that he hides in fear, that he has done the unthinkable. That he has incurred the wrath of the most unstable and outright dangerous of the Inflatable Goddesses. No one I know knows the entire story, but it is said that he tried to deny her her existance and failed miserably. Not even my precious Inflatable Belldandy knows how he attempted to do this, but it must have been a horrible act. Now it is said that the Inflatable Urd is on the warpath and is out for more than just blood.
“What is she after?”, I asked.
The Inflatable Belldandy whispered into my ear Inflatable Urd’s plans for “Schmitty-Sama”.
“WHAT!?!?!?!?!” I screamed and promptly crossed my legs.
Meanwhile, in a bunker buried deep into the Earth, “Schmitty-Sama” cowered underneath his bunk, armed only with his LUMZAPPER™ and the desire to live a pain-free life with his body in tact. The Inflatable Urd was coming to get him and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Earlier, she sent him images of what she has planned for him, complete in technicolor and stereo sound. He found them less than pleasant.
“What in the hell was I thinking?!” asked “Schmitty-Sama” to no one as he went to the kitchen and pulled out a C-Ko BentoRation™. “Taking on the Inflatable Goddesses, especially Inflatable Urd, is ludicrous!” “Schmitty-Sama” grimaced as he took a bite of his C-Ko BentoRation™, “Hmm… Anti-freeze and salt curry… at least it looks pretty!” “Schmitty-Sama” continued to force feed himself , wondering when the Inflatable Urd was coming, fearfully awaiting the inevitable.
The Inflatable Urd arrived at the front of “Schmitty-Sama’s” bunker around 10:00pm, armed with a Salad Shooter, a muddy copy of the English SailorMoon theme song and the original Saban SailorMoon Live Action Show. “Let’s see that bastard withstand that,” Inflatable Urd chuckled to herself as she took another hit of helium and proceeded to make her way into “Schmitty-Sama’s” underground fortress.
It was a hard road as “Schmitty-Sama” was determined to stay alive at any cost and wasn’t about to just welcome Inflatable Urd with open arms. “That a-hole gonna make this interesting, isn’t he?” said Inflatable Urd to herself with a smile, “I would be disappointed if he didn’t!” Needles, the english dialogue from Starblazers and almost being locked into a room with Trish LeDoux were some of the many perils to be faced. Inflatable Urd passed through them all, although she almost got trapped by the animitronic Richard Simmons. “That was too low,” screamed Inflatable Urd at the top of her air capacity, “You’re gonna pay for that one, you pile of flaming bovine excrement!”
“Schmitty-Sama” was in a panic, having watched the events unfold before him on a bank of video monitors. “I’m doomed!” he said as he broke out with a cyanide capsule and swallowed it as Inflatable Urd burst through the door.
“I DON”T THINK SO!!!” yelped Inflatabe Urd as she force-fed “Schmitty-Sama’ an antidote for the poison he had just taken. “Besides,” purred Inflatable Urd evilly into “Schmitty-Sama’s” ear, “What makes you think that you’d be free of me in death?”
“Schmitty-Sama” screamed as the intro music of “Robotech, The Next Generation” filled the air………..
Part IV: Give Me Air…OR KILL ME! Inflatable Marller Attacks!
Date: Wed, 6 Dec 1995 11:08:46 -0800 (PST)
Deep within the bowels of Hell, Inflatable Marller sits, cracking and peeling, the oppresive heat of Hades slowly melting her away despite the NO2 sitting in her person. She sits and broods, letting the hate of a thousand years bubble to the surface of her being, thinking of only one person, of one thing. Suddenly, an idea pops into her head with such clarity and force that she almost bursts…..
It was a bright, sunny Sunday Afternnon and I was walking through the park with my beloved Inflatable Belldandy floating gently by my side. The park was crowded with the unfortunate souls from the dark side of the Otaku empire, the worshippers of MinMei the Annoying. Their aging, untalented and quite frankly pathetic heroine was performing in the park’s great amplitheatre, trying desparately to cling to her youth and her past glory. Although these unfortunate souls were out of touch with reality, even they stopped to stare at the beautiful urethane beauty beside me before going back to their incoherent ramblings about some evil being known only as “The Macek”.
“Poor devils” I said sadly, “Don’t they know that Minmei never even sang, or even wrote, her own songs?”
“Don’t be too hard on them,” whispered Inflatable Belldandy, “Let the have their dreams. After all, not everyone has an Inflatable Goddess in their life.”
“You’re right, of course,” I said as I took my precious Inflatable Belldandy into my arms and kissed her gently on the lips.
This blissful moment didn’t last long as my friend came running up to us with a crazy look in his eye and the remnants of a C-Ko BentoRation™ covering his DIE! MINMEI DIE! shirt
“I’m glad I found you!” he screamed as he tried to regain his composuer, “You gotta help me!”
I tried to calm him down enough find out what happened and eventually had to threaten him with an AkaneCuisine™ Soap and Baking Soda shortbread before he stopped hyperventilating.
“Now,” I said quietly, “what’s wrong?”
My friend proceeded to tell me that he was in the Tomobiki District looking for the new location of “Benten’s Haus o’ Discipline” when he saw an old Urusei Yatsura “Disco ReMixes” LP in a thrift store.
“I don’t know what came over me,” he said, “when I got it home I..I….”
“I played it ….and….”
I was about to ask what happened when the Inflatable Belldandy tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the sky:
“That’s what happened,” was all she said.
I looked up to see a a sight that would haunt my dreams for months afterwards. It was pure evil, all that was wrong with mankind rolled up into one seething, slightly under-inflated being.
“Marller!” said the Inflatable Belldandy as she called on the heavens to turn her into an intertube.
Marller barely avoided the bolt of energy that would have doomed her to a bicycle shop in town and floated awkwardly down to the ground.
“I HAVE COME FOR WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!” she screamed hoarsely as she reached for the Inflatable Belldandy with her mis-shapened hand.
“Never!” I yelled as I jumped in front of the Inflatable Belldandy. The Inflatable Marller grabbed me by the throat and suddenly the world went black……
Part V: He’s mine! Super FoamRubber Belldandy to the Rescue!
Date: Thu, 7 Dec 1995 11:06:45 -0800 (PST)
“WAKE UP! WAKE UP!”
I was just coming to when I felt a flabby foot kicking me in the head in a desparate attempt to cave in my skull.
“Uggghhh…where am I?”
I looked up to see the barren plains of Hell stretched out before me, the screams of the damned filling the air.
I looked over the creature that brought me to this place, shuddering at her grotesque appearance. She was staring at me with an evil look in her eye, as if she would like nothing better than to disembowel me with a snail fork.
“Feeling better?” she asked sarcastically, as if she was hoping I wasn’t.
“I could be better” I answered, not wanting to disappoint her.
Before I could react, she grabbed me by the hair and forced her nozzle into my mouth.
“Inflate me…OR DIE!” she growled as the screams of the tortured souls around me grew louder.
I managed to spit her nozzle out of my mouth and loosen her grip on my head.
“Get a pump, and go blow yourself,” I said defiantly, not wanting to give her any more power than she already had.
She screamed and threw me hard to the ground. She jumped on top of me and in a voice that cooled the hot air around us said:
“You pay for that….”
All I could do was scream.
Meanwhile, the Inflatable Belldandy was in shock from not only my abduction, but because of the person responsible. My friend was still twitching on the ground and unable to do much more than cry out for his Totoro doll. The Inflatable Belldandy grabbed my friend and started slapping him and screaming in his face, trying to bring him back into reality.
“You have to give the record you bought this morning, otherwise I can’t stop her!”
“The Inflatable Marller, you twit!”
After getting my friend to give her the album, the Inflatable Belldandy went off in search of the Inflatable Urd.
“NO… MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!”
“I haven’t even begun to start yet, “Schmitty-Chan!”
The Inflatable Urd giggled evilly to herself as she put another tape into the VCR. She was enjoying herself far more than she thought she would, and more than she dared. Unfortunately for “Schmitty-Sama”, his wildest nightmares couldn’t prepare him for what he was suffering now. The Robotech Saga was bad, the english StarBlazers was worse, but nothing could prepare him for what the Inflatable Urd had for him next.
”‘Schmitty-Chan’?” the Inflatable Urd purred into his ear, “I know you’re going to just love what I have for you next!”
“Schmitty-Sama” was a broken shell of a man by this time, every last ounce of humanity drained from his body. Upon hearing that his suffering was far from over, he snapped:
”‘Schmitty-Chan’” breathed Inflatable Urd, “I forgive you, but first you must pay for what you tried to do to me.”
“Schmitty-Sama” screamed louder than humanly possible as Inflatable Urd pushed the ‘play’ button on the VCR.
“OHGODNOTTHAT!” was all “Schmitty-Sama” could say as the theme song from the Saban “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers vs SailorMoon” series filled the stale air.
“Oh, hi sis. Just repaying a debt.”
The Inflatable Belldandy entered the room and stopped the tape as “Schmitty-Sama” was about to turn into a viscous goop.
“Urd, I need your help. The Inflatable Marller escaped from Hell and she kidnapped my boyfriend.”
Despite the fact that the Inflatable Urd was strung out on helium, she face-vaulted to the floor.
“Oh bloody hell, not again” moaned the Inflatable Urd, “I remember what happened the last time. Do you know what she wants?”
The Inflatable Belldandy blushed slightly and answered: “Me.”
“Ack” was all the Inflatable Urd could say as she deflated.
After freeing “Schmitty-Sama” and having him blow the Inflatable Urd back up, the Inflatable Belldandy began telling the Inflatable Urd her plan.
“you can’t be serious” gasped the Inflatable Urd, “you might not be ableto turn back to yourself! No, I can’t let you do it!”
The Inflatable Belldandy shook her head. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to enter Hell without losing my powers. I might go soft with all of that heat. You should see what it did to the Inflatable Marller.”
The Inflatable Urd sighed. “Is he worth the risk?”
The Inflatable Belldandy nodded her head. “Yes, he is.”
“Very well then, let’s begin.”
After locking “Schmitty-Sama” in a closet with a AkaneCuisine™ HeadCheese and Peanutbutter HotPocket, the Inflatable Urd started the necessary incantations for the transformation. The room was filled with a bright red light and the sound like a thousand voices singing.
Then all was quiet.
Standing in the middle of the room was a beauty that was incomprehensible to the human mind. She was solid, flexible, radiating good with such force that any mortal within a 10 foot radius would would drop dead from sheer joy.
“Good luck, sis!”
“Thank you, I shouldn’t be gone long.”
With a blinding flash, The super FoamRubber Belldandy was on her way to Hell.
“I hope she’ll be okay”, said the Inflatable Urd.
The Inflatable Urd went to the closet where “Schmitty-Sama” was cowering.
“Shall be continue?” said the Inflatable Urd, with a huge smile on her face.