The Inflatable Urd FAQ 2

The Inflatable Urd FAQ 2

Version 1.0

12 Aug 2001

compiled by Hanna Goodbar

I found this while cleaning my hard drive. I don’t know if I made a page from this stuff, and it isn’t in the original FAQ. So here goes…

15 Dec 1995

Peorth, however glows with a lust that verges on indescribable.

—schmitty-sama

“Why thank-you my dear….nice of you to say that…. : )”

16 Jan 1996

And now, something new, wild and different—a NEW Inflatable Urd sig—written by my friend, Violet Bealer. Enjoy!! (and thanks, Vi—-8-) ):

”…with a slight screech the Inflatable Urd ripped the book from Schimitty’s hands and struck him repeatedly over the head with it until his vision clouded over and he collapsed on the floor. She then calmly positioned herself in the reclining chair and, opening the book to the first page, began to read.”

”…Schmitty-sama came to, in time to see the Inflatable Urd finishing off the last of his C-Ko BentoRations. He croaked out the word ‘NO!’, desiring more than everything his precious rations. The Inflatable Urd stood up, tossing LOVE IS A DOG FROM HELL next to Schmitty’s head, and commented, ‘Good book. Now it’s time for me to read you a little story,’ Schmitty watched with mild interest as she reached behind the water heater and removed an old book, creased around the edges and spattered with blood. She put in her ear plugs with careful deliberation, and Schmitty-sama squirmed slightly, trying to break the ropes that tied him down to the couch. ‘No, no, you aren’t getting away this time,’ hissed Urd, and sat back down on the chair, beginning to read passages from BARNEY GOES TO CAMP, while inhaling helium and laughing evilly as Schmitty-sama tried futily to escape….”

17 Jan 1996

Actually what happened was that one night I imagined that my Sailor Jupiter doll came to life. And when I looked up her skirt, I discovered that she wore very odd panties. But she was too preoccupied with the a cooking show on the Cooking Channel to notice what I was up to. They were broadcasting a recipe for creme-puff sundaes. THAT sounded yummy. Then I could hear the squeel of tires and something pulled into the drive. A horn honked. “Honey, your date’s here,” Sailor Jupiter said, not looking away from the cooking show, enraptured by new ways of folding vanilla into creme. “Hai!” I dashed out the door into the battered yellow 1976 Ford Pick-up truck. There were five cans of a six-pack of Bud Lite on the dashboard. I grabbed one, popped it. “Hi babe,” I said to Inflatable Urd, “What up?”

“Poetry reading tonight, at the Milwaukee School of Engineering.”

“Eh?” I said….for I thought we were going to some biker bar over on the south side once.

“Your friend….Violet?”

“Vi?”

“Yeh, her. She’s giving a reading….And I don’t know why she thought I’d hit you with that book. But I intend to find out…..!!!!!” Inflatable Urd drained her can of Bud Lite and popped another, then backed outta the driveway.

“Oh oh….” I thought. “Is THIS gonna be an interesting evening…..” As with a squeel of tires we flew……

19 Jan 1996

In a message dated 96-01-18 01:57:55 EST, you write:

At first I was sure it was going to be a book of Vogon poetry. But now the light has dawned, and I know what Barney really is…

It gets better, actually, after THAT inflatable Urd plays a 12 CD Boxed set of Baby Bop Sings The Entire Poetic Output Of Rod McCuen and makes me SING along!!

—Schmitty-sama


This is a part of the Urd series.
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